Chile's FrankenSalmon Poisons Environment, Humans

It was going to be tonight's fillet. Was, but for that Chile's biggest seafood supply is now dead to me.

The latest viral infestation in the Chilean fish is not, exactly, what a Chilean human might describe as filete (which means "tubular"). No, it's pretty bad.

But in case the whole story turns out to be yet another smear piece by the New York Times, I have taken the necessary steps to secure my investment by cryogenically freezing the fillet.

If what I was about to eat tonight is not, in fact, a slab of parasite infected, antibiotic drenched, hormone injected, retina-damaging colorant dilated FrankenSalmon then someday I will restore the poor, misunderstood fish and cook it to death for a buttery delicious grilled gourmet experience with sautéed mushrooms, garlic, green onions and red bell pepper.

But at this point it's not looking good.

Bloomberg reports that Multiexport Foods SA (MULTIFOO:CC) shares are plummeting since the Times began their ruthless hate campaign against the Republic of Chile, stirring up ancient rivalries between the Northern and Southern hemispheres as the gringo fan who sent me the tip cries out (via IM):

That shit is fucked up. They're ruining the environment, needlessly through greed, killing off the other fish, and fucking up humans with the antibiotics and growth hormones...If Loch Duart can do it in Scotland, they can do it RIGHT in Chile, too. It just won't be as lucrative, but it's the right way to do it.

But never mind him. Chile is Eden because Antonio Skarmeta told us so and if it turns into Paradise Lost (or Parasite Gained?) then it won't be poor little Chile's fault because Chile only contributes to 2% of global warming.

So okay it's First World appetite that drives salmon production greed and First World companies that exploit it as overcrowded FrankenSalmon pens become cesspools of infection but hey, if Chile's so First World as everyone likes to say - or even the cutesy "Second World", as many a mealy mouthed defender of the Free Market will offer - then why don't we get some First-or-even-Second-World regulations up in this casita chiquita y muy linda or would that be too much to ask?

The Free Market has regulated itself so well up to now that I've already dosed up on plenty of diseased FrankenSalmon and I'm down three or four bucks (unless i unfreeze the slab) and, most shockingly, thanks to the Free Market's fantastic environmental record, Chilean FrankenSalmon has become almost as appetizing as Marco Antonio Solis' tribute to England of the Pacific, Scandinavia of the South, Dubai Down Under (but much more charming), Chile. One is as bad as the other, but so help you God if you watch this video while eating the the FrankenSalmon from Chile Lindo: