My Skin is White as Snow
and my hair is blonde like wheat. But apparently, not everyone agrees. That stupid bitch at the DMV, for instance, thinks it's "BRN," and her sweeping misjudgement is now burned indelibly into the plastic of my California Driver's license. She made a mistake.
Now, we all make mistakes, I know. And I really wouldn't be so upset about this if it weren't for the fact that she went out of her way to berate me for not knowing my own height and weight. I simply didn't have the information. It's not because I'm incredibly lazy and disorganized, which I am, but rather that I just have no need to keep this kind of data on hand, and I thought that if they really cared they would have a scale and a ruler waiting for me at the DMV.
Anyway, she chose to insult me, and she shouldn't have, but she did, so I've chosen to insult her back: she's fucking stupid for thinking that my hair is "BRN." It's not. It's blonde like wheat.
Despite what she says ("BRN, NXT PLS"), it's obvious that I'm not from Chile. Any Chilean will tell you that my features are light, and my hair color is not even close to the raven black of the locals'. Being "from here" with my complexion could only mean being that a) I was descended from the wanderlust-driven Nazis who braved the Andean passes into the open arms of Chile's Central Valley b) I own half the country c) some other reason for having light complexion. But I'm not from here. I come from a long line of North American artists, craftsment, gamblers, farmers, dilettantes and an adventurer--but not a single Nazi.
The "adventurer" in my family was H.L., my great-great-great-great-give-or-take-one-more-great grandfather who, in the year 18-something, joined the crew of the A. sailing around Cape Horn from Boston to San Francisco. Unfortunately, we lose all record of him after the port of call in Rio, which leads us to believe that the Brazilian sirens' call was compelling, as fabled. Indeed, it looks like he got nowhere near to Chile.
Now, the obvious question: why do I call myself Chileno? I have neither the features nor the family to back this up. I mean, at this point you're probably thinking: "what a fucking poser!"
But think again. My name, as it turns out, has distinctly noble origins: Mexican wrestlers.
It was them, along with the grunge-garden outcasts and even a lifelong friend who gave succor to my febrile high school identity by awarding me the nickname "Chileno." So there. This is core, man. I'm not a poser.
I am, however, a latecomer, especially when it comes to The Internets. And so I wasn't surprised or upset to find that chileno.com had already been taken. Fair enough. I'll just have to be a little more creative. I thought about thechileno.com, which was available, like an 8 dollar hooker, and I cried out (begin echo effect) "No...No...No..." and then it hit me. That's it! Dot n-o. "What a thrilling hack," I thought to myself, "surely I will be able to work with this!"
...which is why I was particularly ticked off to find that chile.no had already been taken. And by whom? None but those cybersquatting pricks at the Chilean embassy in Norway. What. Ever. (I already submitted a complaint to ICANN).
In the meantime, while this mess is being straightened out, I've established a few contingencies. The first one is the domain I hold right now: c.hileno.com. The second plan is as follows: I'm putting together a grassroots action campaign to convince our Norwegian friend Ile to allow us to comandeer her domain name for a far more worthy cause. Update: she's totally not responding, so fuck it.
Anyway, my plan was as follows: Ile holds the domain ile.no, with which I could easily create ch.ile.no. I was raising funds, so that she would more easily see eye to eye with us concerning the cause we were fighting for. Unfortunately, she never responded, and therefore I returned the $100 that was generously donated by Anonymous. I told him to hold on to the money, because there are bound to be some more grassroots campaigns coming up in the near future. He said, "Cool, will do." I said, "Thanks."
Thanks for understanding.
Now, we all make mistakes, I know. And I really wouldn't be so upset about this if it weren't for the fact that she went out of her way to berate me for not knowing my own height and weight. I simply didn't have the information. It's not because I'm incredibly lazy and disorganized, which I am, but rather that I just have no need to keep this kind of data on hand, and I thought that if they really cared they would have a scale and a ruler waiting for me at the DMV.
Anyway, she chose to insult me, and she shouldn't have, but she did, so I've chosen to insult her back: she's fucking stupid for thinking that my hair is "BRN." It's not. It's blonde like wheat.
Despite what she says ("BRN, NXT PLS"), it's obvious that I'm not from Chile. Any Chilean will tell you that my features are light, and my hair color is not even close to the raven black of the locals'. Being "from here" with my complexion could only mean being that a) I was descended from the wanderlust-driven Nazis who braved the Andean passes into the open arms of Chile's Central Valley b) I own half the country c) some other reason for having light complexion. But I'm not from here. I come from a long line of North American artists, craftsment, gamblers, farmers, dilettantes and an adventurer--but not a single Nazi.
The "adventurer" in my family was H.L., my great-great-great-great-give-or-take-one-more-great grandfather who, in the year 18-something, joined the crew of the A. sailing around Cape Horn from Boston to San Francisco. Unfortunately, we lose all record of him after the port of call in Rio, which leads us to believe that the Brazilian sirens' call was compelling, as fabled. Indeed, it looks like he got nowhere near to Chile.
Now, the obvious question: why do I call myself Chileno? I have neither the features nor the family to back this up. I mean, at this point you're probably thinking: "what a fucking poser!"
But think again. My name, as it turns out, has distinctly noble origins: Mexican wrestlers.
It was them, along with the grunge-garden outcasts and even a lifelong friend who gave succor to my febrile high school identity by awarding me the nickname "Chileno." So there. This is core, man. I'm not a poser.
I am, however, a latecomer, especially when it comes to The Internets. And so I wasn't surprised or upset to find that chileno.com had already been taken. Fair enough. I'll just have to be a little more creative. I thought about thechileno.com, which was available, like an 8 dollar hooker, and I cried out (begin echo effect) "No...No...No..." and then it hit me. That's it! Dot n-o. "What a thrilling hack," I thought to myself, "surely I will be able to work with this!"
...which is why I was particularly ticked off to find that chile.no had already been taken. And by whom? None but those cybersquatting pricks at the Chilean embassy in Norway. What. Ever. (I already submitted a complaint to ICANN).
In the meantime, while this mess is being straightened out, I've established a few contingencies. The first one is the domain I hold right now: c.hileno.com. The second plan is as follows: I'm putting together a grassroots action campaign to convince our Norwegian friend Ile to allow us to comandeer her domain name for a far more worthy cause. Update: she's totally not responding, so fuck it.
Anyway, my plan was as follows: Ile holds the domain ile.no, with which I could easily create ch.ile.no. I was raising funds, so that she would more easily see eye to eye with us concerning the cause we were fighting for. Unfortunately, she never responded, and therefore I returned the $100 that was generously donated by Anonymous. I told him to hold on to the money, because there are bound to be some more grassroots campaigns coming up in the near future. He said, "Cool, will do." I said, "Thanks."
Thanks for understanding.
posted by Chileno @ 4:53 AM
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9 Comments:
I just donated $100. That's the best goddamn hunny I've spent in my life. I don't care if nothing ever pans out. I just wanna hear more awesome stories, Chileno. Keep it up, dude. Man, I feel Great!
I bet you get more attention than you ever imagined since moving to Chile. The avarage Chilean girl has a "white boy" fetish and wants to "mejorar la raza". That is such a self-loathing attitude.
I appreciate a blog that is as careful and thought out as this one. Especially when all it seems like politicians do is make clowns of each other.
Jay Whitlow
Jay Whitlow, a speed skater from Chile, thinks this is a great blog!
I liked your blog and its insightful commentary on Chile until you called all the local blond and blue-eyed Chileans Nazi descendants.
I'm sure you know there was a sizable Jewish migration to Chile as well, plus people from other areas. My hair is blond, my eyes are blue, I was born and raised in Chile to two Chilean parents, yet there's not a trace of Nazi behind us (in fact, my grandmother's family came to Chile running away from the holocaust).
That was just as offensive as it could get.
You're right Nico, that's pretty fucked up the way I phrased that. I'll change the entry in a little bit, because I certainly don't think that all blonde/blue Chileans are nazi descendents. :-) That was just a thoughtless off-hand lead-in to a separate point, and it's pointless. I'm all for offending people and stuff, sometimes when it serves a purpose, sometimes just for fun, but in this case neither of those apply and furthermore, my personal goal is to more accurately, sensitively characterize the people I blog about, and so thanks for pointing that out!
Hi Chileno,
Thx for the reply! I get it that it was a tongue-in-cheek comment, and not your intention to generalize :)
Best wishes with the blog, and look forward to more entries!
Nico
You fecking Yank! How many chileans do you know? Well, as it happens there are all sorts of chilean skin colours: Obviously, the majority of us have dark hair and dark eyes, so what? If you go to Valdivia or Frutillar, you might find Chileans with blond hair, green eyes and german names and who are not nazis. If you go to Viña del Mar, you'll find some light skinned Chileans with english or irish surnames. If you go to Punta Arenas, you'll find the same bleached complexion in people with croat of serbian names. If you go to Coyhaique, you find descendants of Latvians who are also blond. And if you open your mucky eyes, you'll find blond chileans, although uncommon, I grant you, with first and second spanish surnames, and 12th generations or more of all-spanish surnames, with blue eyes and blond hair. The Visigoths came from scandinavia to Spain in the middle ages, you know?
You are a colonist left stranded on this continent by our forefathers who could not afford to pay the fare back to poverty-stricken Europe, just as we are. So feck off!
Firstly, if you're gonna cuss please don't be half-assed about it. It's spelled fuck, not feck.
Secondly, thank you for the rich and detailed breakdown of just how white Chile really is.
Thirdly, to set the record straight you are no more of a spic than I'm a yank. Yanqui, perhaps, but "Yank" or "Yankee", within the States, is generally reserved for those from the North East of the United States.
Perhaps "spic" is a derogatory term for hispanic in general but seems mostly reserved for Mexicans. But really, there's no reason to get insulting here. I honestly don't understand your frustration. It's as if you didn't read the post and the subsequent discussion at all!
Do take a minute to actually read it. In it, I do acknowledge the variation in skin color, if at first by an unfortunately and excessively offensive bit of snark which was never intended as more than snark and which I have publicly apologized for and it is publicly resolved, if you cared to even read before commenting - please scroll up, like 2 inches dude.
Unfortunately, underlying your deep upset with this post it seems you are frustrated that someone wouldn't recognize how "white" Chile really is in your view. It isn't that white, but you would cling to any whiteness you could, wouldn't you.
So sensitive you are about the brown skin of the vast majority of your countrymen that you would draw at straws to depict my writing as not having acknowledged the whiteness at all. And you unload your wrath for such imagined offensiveness as mine.
You seem very confused, nevertheless I am flattered by your readership and I wish you the best of luck.
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